My Life As A Hogwarts Student Year 1
by Lyke Orngam
Summary: Kyle, an 18 year old, makes his way to Hogwarts. What crazy antics will he go through? Who knows? Read and find out! Note: Not for children, the easily offended, or easily offended children. Also, it is in the format of a screenplay, simply for simplicity
1. Chapter 1

CHAPTER 1: A VERY BONER SORTING

[HARRY and RON are sitting on the Hogwarts Express eating a diabetes-inducing amount of sweets. Kyle (KSG) walks into their compartment holding what appears to be an adult magazine.]

KSG: [Standing in the doorway] You two magicians mind if I sit here?

HARRY: Er…no, go ahead.

[KSG sits next to Harry. He eyes RON in disgust, then opens his magazine, holding it upside down. HARRY immediately turns his attention to the magazine.]

RON: Is that a Quibbler?

KSG: Are you retarded? [KSG then rotates the magazine. It clearly says PENTHOUSE]

RON: What's it about?

KSG: This fuckin' guy.

[HARRY has yet to peel his eyes from the magazine. KSG hands it over to him]

RON: So are you a professor?

KSG: Jesus Christ kid, what's with all the questions?

[As KSG finishes his statement, a rat pops out from RON's shirt pocket. KSG shakes his head in disgust.]

RON: Sorry, this is Scabbers, my pet rat.

[RON cups the rat in his hands. As he does this, prepubescent HERMIONE pops into the doorway. She eyes RON with disgust and is appalled by HARRY's porn addiction.]

HERMY: [Looking at KSG] Have you seen a toad around?

KSG: Nope. Have you seen a boner around here?

HERMY: What?

KSG: I said no.

HERMY: Okay, well, you three should get changed in your robes. We'll be arriving at the castle soon.

[HERMIONE leaves the group, no doubt fantasizing about K-MAC. HARRY half-heartedly puts the magazine down and throws robes over his clothes, as does RON. KSG sits there.]

HARRY: Shouldn't you be getting changed?

KSG: I used my robe money to buy that lovely piece of literature.

HARRY: Fair 'nuff.

[For the remainder of the train ride, HARRY is constantly fidgeting, no doubt due to his uncomfortable state of arousal, RON plays with his rat, and KSG makes penis jokes. The train came to a halt, and the trio departed. HAGRID called out.]

HAGRID: FIRS' YEARS THIS WAY!

[A group of students went towards the giant. As KSG passed HAGRID, they fist bumped and flashed fancy gang signs. KSG boarded the last boat with space. As he did, NEVILLE approached the boat. KSG quickly blocked him out.]

NEVILLE: Hey you guys! You gotta let me in!

KSG: First you gotta do the Truffle Shuffle.

NEVILLE: Come on!

KSG: Do it.

NEVILLE: Come onn!

KSG: DO IT!

[NEVILLE proceeds to humiliate himself. KSG lets him on the boat. The magical boats went across the magical lake to the magical castle. It was very magical. They landed inside a cave, because a castle built over a cave and part of a lake is perfectly stable. The group was led through a door into a large room. Two metric shittons of people sat at tables, all of them in black robes. An elderly held a scroll in her hands. She began calling names. Kids went to a stool and put some singing hat on their heads. When the hat called out a house, the house cheered. It took her forever to get to G]

McG: Gorman, Kyle.

KSG: Damn straight.

[KSG proceeded to the hat. Once it was on his head, it began to speak aloud.]

SH: It seems your mind is filled of many things. Hm…interesting. Your bad exercising habits would put you in Hufflepuff, but your witty penis jokes would fit in with raven-

KSG: Fits in with your mom too.

[SH stays silent for what seemed like 10 minutes, but was in fact only 8]

SH: You're a dick. Slytherin would love you.

KSG: Just put me in the house with the hot bitches.

SH: GRYFFINDOR!

[As KSG strutted to the Gryffindor table, the other three houses erupted into cheers. The Gryffindors moaned, and a few broke into tears.]

KSG: Screw you all too.

[The sorting eventually finished. DUMBLEDORE stood in front of everyone.]

DUMBLEDORE: I would like to welcome everyone to…

[When DUMBLEDORE spoke, everyone looked and listened in admiration. When people look at someone else in admiration, KSG pilfers their pockets. The speech eventually came to an end. When it did, food appeared on the tables. RON sat across from KSG, who was sitting next to RANDOM HOT GIRL. He turned to her as he picked up a roll]

KSG: Mind if I explore your forbidden corridor?

RHG: Eww, you're si-

KSG: How about your Forbidden Forest?

RHG: You're disgus-

KSG: Wanna whomp my willow?

[At this point the RHG was so disgusted by RON's existence that she moved away. KSG flung a roll at RON, hitting him in the head. RON, already having accepted his role as submissive bitch, continued to eat his vegetables. After eating their fill, the students went to their Common Rooms. KSG went to his bed and looked in his trunk. His dad's reading materials were still there. Content with his day, KSG ripped apart the bed RON was supposed to use, then went to sleep]


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2: A Very Boner First Lesson

[The story picks up on the first day of classes. KSG is in the Great Hall eating his breakfast while pelting RON with scrambled eggs.]

HARRY: [Laughing with KSG] You're right, this kid IS a bitch! KSG, what classes do you have today?

KSG: I got Transfiguration with that elderly broad after I eat me some bacon.

[KSG finished eating breakfast and left the Great Hall. HARRY followed him the whole time. RON kept his distance, but stayed within earshot. KSG decided to take the scenic route, which happened to pass all the pictures with gratuitous cleavage, and occasionally belittled RON. This went on for a little bit, until prefect MERCUTIO DOLOHOV]

MD: Excuse me, where are you going?

KSG: Transfigurations.

MD: You do know that's in the other direction, right?

KSG: Yerp.

MD: Then why are you here?

KSG: That picture next to you has the hottest chest in this school.

[MERCUTIO looked at the picture, which he had apparently never noticed before. While MERCUTIO looked in admiration, his pockets became a few galleons lighter. After an uncomfortable amount of time, MERCUTIO turned his attention to the trio, his face was flushed.]

MD: Well, I'm going to have to walk you to class, to make sure you don't get lost again.

[MERCUTIO led the group to the proper class. They entered the room, and were met by stern-looking Mean Old Hag, or McGonagal, whichever.]

MOH: Late, the three of you. Take a matchstick off my desk and take a seat. Then try your best to turn it into a matchstick.

[KSG quickly scouted out a seat next to ANOTHER HOT CHICK. Grabbing a handful of matchsticks, KSG went to the seat.]

KSG: Hey, what the hell are we doing?

AHC: Turning the match into a needle using magic.

KSG: You're shitting me? I thought we were taught how to pull rabbits out of hats?

[She didn't catch the sarcasm.]

AHC: Mhm, you got your wand?

KSG: Nope. I used the money on hookers and blow.

AHC: Ah…

KSG: Still got to use a wand though, if you know what I'm saying.

AHC: Yeah-

KSG: We did the nasty.

AHC: I kinda-

KSG: I rocked her like a hurricane.

AHC: Look, you're making me feel unco-

KSG: My basilisk was in her Chamber of Secrets.

AHC: That doesn't even make sense!

KSG: Oh it will. It will.

[At this point AHC concentrated purely on her magical work. KSG figured it was because RON was sitting in front of her. The chode always had this effect on girls.]

KSG: Hey, fire crotch!

[RON looked around, used to having degrading nicknames already. As he did, KSG lit a match on the table and threw it into RONs lap. His robes burst into flames. MOH came over and put out the flames. She high fived KSG as she passed him. She dismissed the class. HARRY walked next to the taller and much more sexually attractive KSG.]

HARRY: Where you off to next?

KSG: Charms.

RON: Son of a bitch…


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3: FUCKIN' CHARMING

[The duo and RON enter the Charms Class. Professor Flitwick, or FLITZ, stood atop a stack of books to see over his desk. KSG saw a seat next to Some Hot Broad. Unluckily for him, there were two other seats there as well. KSG sat next to SHB. RON attempted to sit next to him, but a quickly lit match warned him off. Instead, HARRY sat next to KSG.]

FLITZ: Hello class! [FLITZ clapped his hands together]

RON: Hello Professor!

KSG & HARRY: Can it, you kiss ass!

KSG: Jinx, you owe me your first wife. Bitch.

HARRY: Oh, you sly dog.

[RON put his head onto the table and fell asleep. No doubt he was tired after being woken up when his trunk smacked into his chest. Nobody had any idea who did that.]

KSG: [Whispering to HARRY] Look at the whiney bitch. Check his pockets.

[HARRY went through RONs pockets, finding some money. If they knew it was all the money RON ever had, they would have been laughing harder as they split it.]

KSG: Come on, 80/20. You wouldn't have done it if I didn't tell you. Everyone knows the ones who give orders get paid most.

HARRY: KSG, I don't think that's fair.

KSG: It's not fair when I nail your mom either.

[HARRY fell silent. Dead silent. He slid 80% of their pillage to KSG]

KSG: Damn straight!

[At this point KSG notices that SOME HOT BROAD glances down at the wizard cash]

KSG: [Comfortably close to SHB] You know, there's plenty more where that came from.

SHB: Do you take me for the materialistic girl?

KSG: Is there any other kind?

SHB: Yeah, there are the smart girls that like a guy with personality.

KSG: Oh I got personality in spades.

SHB: Not the kind girls like. You're a jerk.

HARRY: [whispering to KSG] Dude, don't let her get away with that.

[KSG grabbed another match and lit it. It mysteriously managed to find its way into RONs hair. The ensuing chaos gave KSG enough time to dig through SHB's bag. He found a letter from home. Conveniently, it had the names of all her family members on it. KSG pocketed it. There's nothing like a cold plate of revenge. Except maybe for voyeurism. Eventually the class settled down, allowing FLITZ to continue teaching hovering charms or some bull shit. KSG threw unlit matches at RON for the remainder of the class. Each time a match smacked him on the side of the head he jumped and smacked at the area like it was on fire. Psychological damage was fun. Suddenly RON shot upwards.]

RON: KSG, I'm tired of you!

KSG: And frankly, Donna, you're an ugly cock block.

HERMY: RON, sit your pathetic ass down!

KSG: [whispering to HARRY] Where the hell did she come from?

HARRY: No idea. Was she even in our last class?

KSG: Yeah, but I didn't mention her.

HARRY: What?

KSG: I said but I didn't bone her. Clean out your god damn ears.

HARRY: Ah. After class, do you want to visit HAGRID?

KSG: Shit yeah! HAG and I go way back. He makes these beastly rock cakes. Also, he's loaded with cheap booze.

HARRY: Yeah?

KSG: Yeah. In fact, I think I'll invite HERMIONE. YO HERMIONE!!!!

HERMY: Hm?

KSG: YOU WANNA GO VISIT HAGRID?

HERMY: With you? Shit yeah! I hear he makes amazing rock cakes, and I hear he has some pretty good drinks!

[HARRY and KSG briefly look at each other]

HARRY & KSG: Pimpage.

KSG: Jinx, now you owe me your first wife AND half of any paycheck you get.

HARRY: Damn!

[The class came to an end. HARRY, HERMIONE, and KSG made their way to HAGRIDs Hut. RON stayed annoyingly close by.]


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER 4: THE GREEN GIANT

[The trio and RON arrived outside HAGRIDs hut. KSG knocked four times, then twice, then three more times. It was code for "It's KSG, you giant prick, open up". HAG answered the door, holding his boarhound MAULER by the face]

HAG: Ey, come in! I got summat good cookin!

[HAGRID let everyone in, much to HARRYs and KSGs chagrin. RON sat down and proceeded to get humped by MAULER. Everyone also notices HERMIONEs wand shoot off a burst of light that turns her 18. Oh sweet mercy!]

KSG: Well give some of it to the fine lady, you fat oaf!

[HAG chuckled as he grabbed a plate full of rock cakes. HARRY stared at HERMIONEs newfound bust and RON continued to get doggie bagged. HERMIONE seemed slightly uncomfortable. She grabbed for a rock cake and bit into it. She began to feel a bit elated.]

HERMY: What's in this? It's amazing!

HAG: Oh, tha usual. Some dough, spices, raisins, and a bit o' me magical ingredient.

RON: [Between MAULERs humps] You use magic on food?

HAG: No, ye dumb sack o' cocks. Its ganja.

[HERMIONE didn't seem put off at all. If anything, she continued to eat more.]

HARRY: Mind if I try some?

HAG: Don' be a bitch! Grab a handful o' tha bastards.

[HARRY grabbed two rock cakes. KSG helped himself to some cheap booze in HAGRIDs kitchen. RON was still being bitched. HERMIONE stopped eating.]

HERMY: Where do you get this fine product?

HAG: I grow it meself, in the school garden.

[HAGRID seemed pleased with himself. RON looked worried.]

KSG: RON, so help me god, if you squeal, I'm going to strangle you with your own vocal cords.

[RON whimpered. So did MAULER. MAULER left RON. That wasn't the only thing he left, if you get my drift. KSG took a mouthful of beer.]

HARRY: You know, I've never felt this way before…

[HARRY proceeded to eat more rock cakes.]

HAG: If ye be wantin' a secon' batch, yer goin' ter hafta pay up.

[KSG reached into his pockets, pulling out RONs life savings. He handed the cash money to HAGRID, who proceeded to cook more of his special cakes. The rest of the time the group spent there was used to get baked or drunk. Except for RON. MAULER decided he could have a second go. HAGRID and KSG walked the lightweights back to the Common Room. Except for RON. He was to sleep with MAULER for the night.]


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER 5: THIS IS MY BROOMSTICK

[The always awesome KSG, the sexyfine HERMIONE, the average HARRY, and the disgusting RONALD made their way to the Great Hall on their second day of "schooling". They all began to eat.]

RON: [mouth full of half-chewed food] HAWWY whu' class jo go' t'day?

HARRY, KSG, HERMY: Go away!

KSG: Jinx! HARRY owes me the largest house he ever owns and HERMIONE owes me Boner Time.

HARRY: You're good at this.

[HERMIONE merely shrugged. RON went back to eating tear-soaked breakfast.]

HARRY: So KSG, what classes do we have today?

KSG: Well, I got Flying after breakfast, then class with that deadass ghost dude.

HARRY: You mean Binns?

KSG: That's what I said. Is everyone here fucking deaf?

[The group and the loner finished their breakfast and went to the grounds. There stood HOOCH, with a ballsload of brooms lying on the ground. As all the students arrived, HOOCH began to speak]

HOOCH: I stopped giving a shit about this course years ago. Step next to a broom, put your dominant hand over it, and shout "UP!" If the broom comes to you, good job. If not, keep screaming like a jackass.

[Everyone approached the brooms. KSG was between HERMIONE and SOME SEXY BITCH. The group shouted up at once. While HOOCH wasn't looking, KSG picked up his broom. HARRY's, meanwhile, jumped right into his hand. HERMIONE opted to lift up her broom as well, and RON's burst into flames. HOOCH looked around, and saw the majority of students had brooms in their hands. The one that didn't cried over a pile of ashes.]

HOOCH: Now mount the damn brooms.

KSG: [leaning towards SSB] Wanna mount my broom?

SSB: Well-

KSG: Wanna touch my snitch?

SSB: Look, I-

KSG: Can I slam my quaffle into your hoops?

[SSB decided to kick off the ground as hard as possible. Crazy bitch probably saw RON. He really was disgusting. At the same time, NEVILLE, or CHUNK, flew into the air. He was a natural. Which is why a rock flew at his skull and knocked him off the broom. CHUNK fell to the ground, and had to be escorted to the Hospital Wing by HOOCH]

HOOCH: Just don't fuck up while I'm gone!

[Immediately after she left, KSG and HARRY spotted a glass sphere on the ground]

KSG: Hey HARRY! How about some extreme catch?

[KSG lifted the sphere and passed it from one hand to the other. Some ugly blonde bastard by the name of DRACO tried to snatch the ball from KSG]

KSG: What in the name of boner do you think you're doing?

DRACO: I wanna be cool!

KSG: You got a long way to go, kid. I'm the Epitome of Epic, the King of Cool. You're just the Baron of Bitch.

[HARRY had kicked off into the air, flying around on his broomstick. KSG mounted his broom and met HARRY in the air. They began lobbing the glass ball back and forth, getting further apart with each pass. DRACO decided to join in. KSG passed the ball to HARRY, but DRACO intercepted it. DRACO, wanting to be cool, pelted the ball at KSG.]

KSG: Get this weak shit out of here!

[KSG proceeded to backhand the shit out of the glass ball. It came back to smash into DRACO's nose, and flew towards the ground. HARRY dove, making a super sweet catch inches from the ground. The three of them landed as HOOCH came back out, followed by GRUMPY OLD GRYFFINDOR BITCH. They approached KSG and HARRY]

GOGB: You two, come with me!

[KSG and HARRY followed GOGB back into the castle. She pissed and moaned about some bullshit until they came to a stop outside of a classroom. GOGB entered. She came back out with a typical jock bitch. KSG groaned.]

GOGB: HARRY, KSG, this is OLIVER WOOD.

HARRY: 'Ello.

KSG: 'Sup, Olive?

WOOD: It's OLIVER.

KSG: Does it look like I give a shit?

[It must have, because WOOD shut the fuck up. GOGB continued to speak]

GOGB: WOOD here is the Gryffindor Quidditch Team Captain. WOOD, I've found you a Seeker and a Beater.

WOOD: What about the Weasley twins?

GOGB: They can alternate games, nobody will be able to tell.

WOOD: Good point.

KSG: What the dick is a Beater?

WOOD: A Beater [though it sounded like Beatle, with his douchebag accent] is someone who swings a bat at two balls called bludgers.

KSG: One: What the fuck is a bludger, and Two: I don't need a bat to hit some piece of shit.

WOOD: Tonight I'll show you two a few things about Quidditch and explain the rules to you.

KSG: I swear, if this is some giant scheme to dick me, I'm going to kill someone.

[KSG and HARRY had to get to their next class, which was History of Magic. Since Professor BINNS is a boring sack of ectoplasmic shit, nothing fun happened. KSG and HARRY had dinner, taunted RON, hit on HERMIONE, and went to sleep]


End file.
